I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
time for some seasonal decor
shampoo implies shampee
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
choose your fighter
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Meeeee too!
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.