Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

Whoa 😂

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work