Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair