I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
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Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I saw nothing
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update