Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

some things should go without saying

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

Tremendous stuff

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.