I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
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Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.