Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Morning my dudes.