I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
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me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras