Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

My birth announcement for our third baby

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

🐠

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.