Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.