Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.