I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.