I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
You Might Also Like
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
👾👾👾
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
A friend sent me this.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave