I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
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Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.