I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
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My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
The fall of Netflix
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
weaknesses
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?