I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan