Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

ME: What’s the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop