I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go