I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
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This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest