Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.