I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
