I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Arrest that man!
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
