Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

let’s discuss

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.