I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
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[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Finally!
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.