I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
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This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.