Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

“FRAAANCE!”

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

🚲+physics = winner

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.