Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Netflix: We have Less

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.