I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
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Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*