I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
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Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.