“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
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What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.