“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
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watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr