I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
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inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
had to make it
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate