I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
