Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.