I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
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Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes