I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.
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My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.