Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.