I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
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6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I’m not stressed
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.