I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
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My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Mhm.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”