I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
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My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.