I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born