I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”