I come from a time of excessive Durans.
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me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Meow
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.