I come from a time of excessive Durans.
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There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Message from the dog groomers
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
Oh deer
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.