I come from a time of excessive Durans.
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My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
the internet really was better 18 years ago
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”