Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

No self control, must pet the kitty 😂

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving