Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

Overindulged this afternoon.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

seriously you guys

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick