Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?