Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

Sometimes? I’m slipping

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”