Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used the label maker

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

Sniffing the broccoli

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.