Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.