*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
fair
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it