Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

is he marrying that labradoodle

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

All set.

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer