Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

😬