I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
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Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
sir, my pâté if you please
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry