I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat