Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I compared thee to a summer’s day because I hate summer.
You Might Also Like
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
ME: will it hurt?
DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?
ME: omg no!
DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me