me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.