@underchilde

I compared thee to a summer’s day because I hate summer.

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@TheAlexNevil

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

@skittle624

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

@Johngcole

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

@SteveSuckington

ME: will it hurt?

DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?

ME: omg no!

DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering

@themacmind

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

@Eden_Eats

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

@05palak

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

@SteveSuckington

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

@UnFitz

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

@chrissyissie

Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my husband the silent treatment and I didn’t want him to bless me