Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Dear Lord..

Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.