I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
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The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Finally
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.