I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
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To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses