Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

This meeting could have been a cake

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment