I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
if you relate to me, get some help
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]