I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
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My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.