I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
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[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Miscakes
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
that’s really how it is
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
me when i see my girls butt
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?