I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
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wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed