Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

screw you

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!