I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)