I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
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I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.