Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

Noted.

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane