Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.