I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
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ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I gave up going to work for lent.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Investing in beetcoin
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
Saturday
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.