Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

only 11 steps left

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

date: do you like reading?

me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

Got him!

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.