Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a true ally.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring