I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
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My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
What the hell is going on?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Me trying to walk in a dream
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp