I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
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genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
These aliens are taking forever.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
oh u like geography? name every lake
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.