I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
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me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in