Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Blocked: 1985

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

⚰

heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…

DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.