Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what